Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Reason Why I Don't Cry

I recently took a personality test.  It revealed that I am mostly a woman who likes results, who's goal-oriented, no-nonesense, determined to accomplish what I set out to do.  To be honest the result did not shock me, as could be expected coming from the "Country of Control" (as per the personality test).  Words like "deep thinker", "strong-willed", "born a leader" that would make someone else wince give me a warm, fuzzy feeling.  I'd like to think that the Virtuous Woman came from the Country of Control.  I'd like to think that she had tenacity; that she wasn't wishy-washy and that when she had something purposed in her heart, she saw to it that it was met. (Okay, perhaps my country's a little inactive when it comes to waking early, praying, exercising, etc., but we already established in Blog 5 that the Virtuous Woman wasn't perfect.)

But what disturbed me and disturbed me deeply was when placed on the scale of human warmth, I scored an  icy 120 on the side of "hard" and my soft side merely met half of that scale.  I stared at that result for a long time, stunned by my score, my head buzzing with rebuttal as I fought the urge to declare, "My God, I'm the tin man.  All metal, no heart!"  It was a blunt revelation of hidden things inside my physical shell.  It explained with some attempt on euphemism that I am deathly afraid to show my feelings unless it's to someone I completely trust and even with that, the walls of protection rise up instantly at the very first sign of questionable support.  But 120?  What was the matter with me?  What trauma did I experience as a child buried deep into my subconscious that made me place an iron cast on my vulnerable side?  There is no way on this planet that the Virtuous Woman was emotionless!  I was venturing on a senseless journey with no finish line!

That week while driving through Prospect Parkway there was heavy gridlock coming from Manhattan, the opposite side of my direction.  As I came closer to the traffic I saw the cause of that volume--two collided cars, thrown in different directions.  An FDNY was attempting to open the side door of one car with a huge machinery to get to a woman who was slumped against the driver's side.  In the meantime, the EMTs had lifted a person on a gurney to put inside the ambulance.  The only thing I could think of were the families of these victims waiting for them to get home from work but here they were involved in an accident that may be fatal.  I burst into tears praying outloud in my car, "Please, God! Please, God! Let everyone be ok!" And I know it wasn't the proper time to think about it but this is the circuitry of my brain function--when I got to the light on my exit, seconds after the accident, I thought, "But wait, how could that affect me so deeply when I'm a cold, cold person?"

I immediately took out  a mental list that outlined situations in my life that evoked such responses.  Running out of work to meet an acquaintance suffering with depression.  Driving to the hospital after working over time to stand by a friend's side as they cried over an ill family member.  Taking out from my family's savings to help someone in need.  I am being honest.  I started making a list of all my good deeds that seemed to me were generated from a soft side in a dire attempt to prove, if only to myself, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that indeed, I do have a heart.  This very act, I must tell you, disturbed me---recalling acts of good work that the Bible teaches us to forget in order to pacify my fear that I perhaps did not care about anyone.  I had to get into a prayer mode in the middle of the BQE and ask God if indeed I was the tin man reincarnate.  Then I saw a haunting vision of a good friend who, upon discovering infidelity in her marriage, cried at my feet and wailed as she begged me to remove the pain from her heart.  I buckled down on my knees and we held each other and wept and I was awed by her open demonstration of pain.  I thought at that moment that I would never be able to exhibit outwardly that much pain nomatter how excruciating it was and I admired her honest and naked response which exposed the depth of her suffering.  I thought that she was one of the bravest women I knew.  To be able to declare publicly that she was in deep pain, for me, took immense courage.

So God made me realize that the hard part was directed solely at me, sadly.  That while I could be vulnerable for others it was a feat for me to be vulnerable for myself.  "You have to atleast trust one person," my husband has said in times past.  "I would love for that person to be me."

And this is my newest quest, in addition to waking up early, praying, stretching, etc., To work on the issue of vulnerability.  To believe, indeed, that vulnerability in me could come from courage and that it is, to some extent, a part of virtue.  I'll retake that test in a year and hopefully, the tin woman would have, in a year, found her heart.

23 comments:

  1. WOW! You always blow me away! Good stuff!

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  2. Hehe...glad you're enjoying these blogs, PJ! I enjoy writing them.

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  3. I've finally gotten a chance to read every blog...Wow, really great stuff! I'm inspired to make some changes of my own! Awesome blog Anna Marie!!!

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  4. Aww, thanks,Jessica! I'm so glad that you not only like the blogs but they've inspired you to make some changes. We can attempt to become Elizabeth together! lol.

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  5. Before I even comment on what I think this is about I want to make sure I have it straight. I'm not so clear as to what your definition of "having a heart" is. I had to read it several times but what I think you are saying is, that you have little trouble showing emotion for others, but find it difficult to be emotionally vulnerable, with things/issues that are personal? Is that what you are saying?

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  6. Ahh chic...you invited lisa and I to stay in your house before I even finished my sentence of" we are going to be in town..." you have a BIG wonderful heart! :) and I love the way the circuitry of your brain works..

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  7. Yes, Grace, I think you've nailed it right in the head! lol

    Cherish, I loved it when that phrase "circuitry of my brain functioning" came to me. I actually laughed as I was writing it! lol. And of course, you are welcome anytime you want to visit NYC again--and it'll be fun with Damariz here now too! :-)

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  8. I remember this line from a movie, "You're one of those people who only give. You never let anyone give to you."

    Ask yourself what are you afraid of in the mutual exchange of shared experience, and you may find an answer.

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  9. That's a great quote and you make a great point, Grace. I actually spent the majority of my drive home thinking about this comment and asking myself that question. I may have come up with the answer and I think I'll address it in the next blog. This blogging has turned out to be a journey towards self-discovery. Maybe it's only when I get to know the real me can I become someone else--Elizabeth.

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  10. One thing i have found in being emotionally vulernable is that you discover who truly cares for you. Who you real friends are and who falls to pieces because you did. Who comes to your rescue and who cant be your support. And when it comes to emotions who deals with them with the tact, sensibility, humor, realism, and justice it deserves. And probably most important, when you reveal the most vulnerable parts about yourself who still has the capacity to still view you as one complete human being striving to become something better? You are going to lose friendships and gain friendships/relatiknships in this life anyway so you might as well be honest with who you are along the way. Losing people who may change the way they think of you is worth it if you become a better you in the end.

    Lol that may be one too many questions but its worthwhile internal food for thought. And perhaps something that just takes time to work on. Im typing from my phones so excuse any typos or punctuation.

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  11. Thanks, Grace. As a woman nearing 40 (big gulp) who has spent most of her life in a protective shell this would not be an easy undertaking. Everything you've said is true and correct but that did not prevent me from hyperventilating while reading your comment. LOL. I think God has an amazing way of being our ultimate therapist and I've been wrestling with some issues that have forced self-evaluation. I will tackle this in my next blog. Thank you for your honesty and being a bit of a catalyst for me to plunge into this useful yet frightening self-discovery. I think you just might make quite a psychologist. :-)

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  12. I think I have to modify that sentence: "...to plunge into this much needed, long overdue, yet frightening self-discovery." lol.

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  13. Sorry, I don't mean to psychoanalyze!! I try to turn off my brain after hours but it does not always work. Your writing is great and an enjoyable read!! Looking forward to updates on your journey!

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  14. Keep it coming....love reading your blog! I can't relate on many ways with this virtuous woman

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  15. Meant I CAN relate

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  17. Willdo, Anonymous. This journey seems to be for more than just me. :-)

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  18. Anna Marie, first I wanted to say that I enjoyed reading this. As I understand it, that test you took should have been just a reminder of the person you are, were and eventually shall will yourself to be. The part about you being cold, I don't believe it was a true test of situational registers, but rather the decision making processes towards your idea of goals. I think we must look at you as the sum of two very strong people. I knew them, and loved them and In my time with them, was assured that you, as well as your siblings would be just as determined, strong willed and compassionate. The qualities of them are exhibited in you, and I was very impressed by you, in that, you being young and already wielding the skills of a teacher, leader and a good friend. So for now, I do believe that Chic-chic(the wild Youth)is still here, as well as Elizabeth(The virtuous)who was with us even then. They are now combined with time and a spiritual maturity to create this present Anna Marie(the woman). again good job!

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  19. Hey Tin Woman! (lol j/k!)
    Nice job! I like all the introspection and the revelations as a result. And, as always, great writing! Someday,when I grow up, I hope to write as well as you!

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  20. Thank you, Anonymous. I think I know who you are now. :-) And perhaps it's time to discuss this blog in person over a cup of coffee, if you are who I think you are, that is. lol.

    @Charles--haha! I'll take "thin" woman instead! lol. I'm so glad you enjoy my writing and you're still reading even though these are somewhat serious blogs! :-)

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  21. @Anonymous again. Thank you for your response. Thank you for putting it so articulately into perperspective for me. This is why I am your number one fan. :-)

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  22. Oh how I was really missing out on not reading these blogs...GREAT writing Atè, <3 u

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