Thursday, December 8, 2011

Just one kidney, please

I walked in yesterday on what seemed to be a rather emotionally charged conversation on the phone between my assistant and who I assumed was a friend and I immediately closed the door to the office and gave her some privacy.  "Anna Marie, no," she called out, trying to summon me back into the office but I made my way to our make-shift cafeteria that could fit approximately two malnourished adults and waited.  She followed me and explained that it was her mother on the phone.  A friend was dying.  His situation seemed hopeless.  He needed a kidney.

"He can't find anyone to give him one," she said, clearly concerned.  Then she went on to explain that he did not want a kidney from his children or his nephews and nieces and his wife and siblings were far too unhealthy to be donors.  "He won't do dialysis.  He'd rather die."

We continued to talk about the situation, the pro's and con's.  Pro's that a kidney could extend his life another 20 years.  Con's that his blood type was rare and a match was virtually impossible.

"And really, he can't find anyone in his family that could give him a kidney."

We reflected on this horrid, horrid situation then asked each other honestly if we would be willing to volunteer a kidney to a family member?  It's a very painful procedure and you, as a donor, would have to take medications for the rest of your life.

"I'd do it for my Dad," she said.  "If he were still alive and he needed one, I would do it in a heartbeat."

Forever the psychosomatic, I immediately put myself in the shoes of the ill.  "No one would give me a kidney, I  don't think."

My assistant laughed, as my staff often do when I make random comments.  "Your husband would!"

Yes, he would, I mused.  But I really didn't think anyone else would.  I combed through the closest people in my life and thought about the sacrifice a kidney would take and the more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that placed in the same awful situation I would probably be left spending everyday on my knees making amends with my Maker to secure a spot in heaven.

"He should just go to Europe or something and make the best of his last days, " I said.  "I know that's what I would do."  And then I pictured myself becoming very ill in the middle of Paris, dying somewhere in the Louvre, unable to say goodbye to everyone I loved.  I would be buried in France without a tombstone.  Maybe staying local would be the safer move.

I thought about a handful people I knew.  People who would probably get a line of donors should they find themselves in such a terrible state.  What made them so special?  What made everyone just absolutely and positively love them enough to do whatever it would take to keep them around?

Later that day, while on the BQE, where my deepest thoughts often take place, I thought about the Virtuous Woman.  Would Sarah have gotten a kidney immediately?  Not from Hagar, of course not, but I wondered if she were surrounded by people who would fight each other over that sacrifice.  Yes, she clearly was surrounded by admirers and a husband who adored her, but did she have a circle of family and friends who would do whatever it would take to keep her around?

That's the problem with strength, I thought to myself.  You get too strong to need anyone's help.  And even if you did need it, you would be too proud to ask.  Ah, the problem again with vulnerability!

I remember crying at 18 and a family member walked in on me, stood, and watched me cry.  Then he closed the door and I heard him chuckle, "How the mighty has fallen!"  My God, it's been that long.  I've had such a reputation for so long!

Who gives a kidney to the mighty?

It's this balance between strength and vulnerability that I find most challenging.  And I keep wondering, did the Woman of Virtue have a soft side?  Did she ever seem to others in need of anything?  Surely she wasn't a complaining, bemoaning drama queen who wallowed in self pity but my Lord, was she ever vulnerable enough to need someone in order to stand on her own two feet even for just a moment?

I opened my wallet to locate a phone number this afternoon after pulling in my driveway and noticed a heart on my driver's license.  I'm a donor.  I giggled at the irony.  I had forgotten about that.  Someday my heart may beat for someone else, my pancreas may save a diabetic little boy, and my kidneys...my kidneys may add another 20 years to a dying man.

That's it, I thought.  You can't spend your days reflecting on what can be done for you.  You must always be in the state of readiness to do for someone else.  And should the moment come when you find yourself in an unfortunate, hopeless bind, help will come to you perhaps in more ways than you could have ever imagined.  Mighty or not, someone will step up to the plate.  It's the law of nature, I suppose.  Virtue begets virtue.

And the very fact that I can't seem to imagine a line of people offering their kidneys tells me that I have a long way to go to be that Virtuous Woman.  Because strength and accomplishment and bravery alone could not have made her virtuous.  Goodness, kindness, mercy and meekness are all characteristics of virtue.  And if you have all of that, very few around you would hesitate to hand you their kidney in a heartbeat.

I need to get to that place.

16 comments:

  1. Well, rest easy, I will give you my kidney. And I'm sure Damariz would too. And probably Daddy and who knows gazillion more of your friends and relatives.

    And no, my license does not say I'm a donor either. Mommy long time ago had stopped me from making that crazy decision. Lol. she said if you get into a car accident they won't even try to keep you alive - they'll chop you up open and get your kidney and all your organs while you're still breathing. I mean, the thought of it now makes me feel like - heh, so let them. Who cares?

    But maybe people like you and Evan and all other people that I think love me, probably do. So I hope you'll re-think about being a donor? If it's true what mommy says anyway.

    On the other hand, what the heck is living all about anyway? If it's all about having a relationship with God - the sooner we get where He is, the better...I think.

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  2. HAHAHA!! This has to be you, Ate Chin! Yes, I know you guys would give me a kidney (I should have specified that on this blog); but I just immediately dismissed it because my knee-jerk reaction was that I wouldn't take it--God forbid you find yourselves in the same situation. So I ventured off to friends and other families. Friends...maybe one or two with a lot of coercing, lol. But these were my immediate thoughts. I think it's a reflection more on how I view myself than how others view me. Hmm...that's for the next blog. lol. (On the other hand, it's good to be a donor, Ate!) lol.

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  3. I'll give you some of my hair if you need it (and that's a luxury for me my friend, you know I don't have much left!)

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  4. And will that be the hair on the floor that fell off your head?

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  5. I'd give you a kidney! Except you're so petite, that my kidney, won't fit into your little bony frame. Well it's the thought that counts! And I wouldn't disreguard your friends so easily. So, boo-hoo to you!

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  6. LOL, Anonymous! (JT?) I think kidneys do not discriminate, no matter the size. But thanks for the "bony frame" compliment. Totally loving that! lol

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  7. Haha! Yes, I was the first one to comment. Lol aka Ate Chin.

    Evan said he would give me his kidney in a heart beat too and the only thing I like about it is that I have something of himself inside of me - literally. Lol.

    But I think I understand what you're saying - I don't want anyone giving me their kidney either. I don't want anyone suffering for my sake. I don't know, I think it'll make me feel bad. And I don't want to be blamed for every suffering they're going through. And what if they die and I remain alive? That would really make me feel terrible.

    You know I know someone in Tampa church Evan and I went to while we were living in Florida - a Polish girl - single, in her late twenties who felt that she was a match for this black man's need of kidney. His family couldn't give it to him because they weren't a match. She told them that she felt in her heart she was a match and sure enough they tested her and she was a match and she gave him her kidney and kept him alive for the sake of his family. I saw her after she gave her kidney and she's not as healthy and strong as before but she seemed very happy she did it. Talk about Christ' love working through her.

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  8. Well done, Chic! Well, at least I know now PJ has hair to donate..(albeit not by choice since its falling off)...lol!

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  9. No Chic, this is me. (you know who) LOL. While reading this I thought to myself "if I was asked in a crunch and someone I knew was in dire need of a kidney, would I donate?" If the situation was that I was somehow on my way out of this world, then like Chin, who cares. I am a donor and I have given plasma and blood both (unfortunately not always from the kindness of my heart, but I was in need). But I really had to think about this, human nature in general stipulates that you make it through this life without hurt or harm and hopefully in one piece! Knowing that I might be on medications for life poses some other doubts. The next stage in reasoning is "does this person deserve to get this thing?" And "what do I get in return? " I guess me asking for that kidney favor back is no longer on the table for us huh? The last stage, like acceptance, is the convincing oneself that this is the right thing to do and you have empathy towards them and hope that 20 years minimum is the least use they get from it.

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  10. No Chic, this is me. (you know who) LOL. While reading this I thought to myself "if I was asked in a crunch and someone I knew was in dire need of a kidney, would I donate?" If the situation was that I was somehow on my way out of this world, then like Chin, who cares. I am a donor and I have given plasma and blood both (unfortunately not always from the kindness of my heart, but I was in need). But I really had to think about this, human nature in general stipulates that you make it through this life without hurt or harm and hopefully in one piece! Knowing that I might be on medications for life poses some other doubts. The next stage in reasoning is "does this person deserve to get this thing?" And "what do I get in return? " I guess me asking for that kidney favor back is no longer on the table for us huh? The last stage, like acceptance, is the convincing oneself that this is the right thing to do and you have empathy towards them and hope that 20 years minimum is the least use they get from it.

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  11. No Chic, this is me. (you know who) LOL. While reading this I thought to myself "if I was asked in a crunch and someone I knew was in dire need of a kidney, would I donate?" If the situation was that I was somehow on my way out of this world, then like Chin, who cares. I am a donor and I have given plasma and blood both (unfortunately not always from the kindness of my heart, but I was in need). But I really had to think about this, human nature in general stipulates that you make it through this life without hurt or harm and hopefully in one piece! Knowing that I might be on medications for life poses some other doubts. The next stage in reasoning is "does this person deserve to get this thing?" And "what do I get in return? " I guess me asking for that kidney favor back is no longer on the table for us huh? The last stage, like acceptance, is the convincing oneself that this is the right thing to do and you have empathy towards them and hope that 20 years minimum is the least use they get from it.

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  12. Ate, what a beautiful act of Christianity in that girl's part! What a worthwhile sacrifice! Mark's Dad actually gave up a kidney to a guy who barely knew, can you imagine? There are just amazing, amazing people out there!!!

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  13. @Charles, thanks--LOLOL, I know, right?

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  14. JT--3 times, really?? LOL. But thanks for your frank honesty. That was a huge part of the conversation at work. What is at stake here? What's the probability that my volunteered kidney would keep this person alive? There are some serious things to consider--just testing if you're a match alone, thanks several weeks of absence from work and here, especially in NYC, your time off is limited then you're replaced, etc., etc., Not an overnight decision, definitely. But there are really altruistic people out there who do not care about the sacrifice. They see a life. They see a need. They give of themselves. God bless them!

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  15. i love the story coz i simply relate on that... bcoz i have also a friend who suffered in from the same illness she need a kidney transplant but sadly no one in her family has a match.. there is no choice but to go in to dialysis twice a week... God bless u more chic and the rest of ur family...

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  16. Wow, Ate Geraldine, that's terrible! I pray she finds a match somehow...

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